How To Forgive in Three Simple Steps

Forgiveness is a choice, but forgetting takes time. When we confuse forgiveness with forgetting we tend to stay in situations that God never intended for us to remain in.

Before we can truly forgive, we first need to understand what forgiveness means and what it looks like. Here is a list of things that you should know to help you take the steps to reach forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not for the other person. It is for you.

When we choose not to forgive we allow pain and resentment to take root. Someone once said that resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Forgiveness does not mean restoring trust, restoring the relationship, or continuing to allow the same things into our lives.

You can forgive someone and walk away. If someone steals from you, you can forgive them, but I hope that from then on you wouldn't leave your wallet lying around for it to be stolen again.

Forgiveness does not require that we continue to receive abuse from the person we forgave.

God asks us to love our neighbor as ourselves. If you don't love yourself, how can you love anyone else? Be at least as good to yourself as you are to others.

"Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die...Forgiveness is a choice, but forgetting takes time...Sometimes we have to learn to accept apologies we never receive."

You can forgive someone and still feel hurt.

There is a huge misconception that we haven't forgiven someone because we are still angry or hurt; because we don't want to be around them; because we want a divorce, etc. Forgiveness is a choice. Sometimes we will have to remind ourselves of that choice. Forgetting however, takes time.

Forgetting doesn't mean that it will be wiped from your memory. Any time you pair an event with an emotion, it is almost impossible to remove it from your memory. Forgetting is not a head thing, it's a heart thing. You'll notice it happening when you can talk about the offense without getting that lump in your throat. It's when you're able to see that person and no longer want to punch them in the face. Forgetting can take a long time or a short time, but it can't start until you decide to forgive.

So here are the steps to forgiving:

1. Chose to forgive.

Every time you remember and feel anger, disgust, hurt, etc... pray for that person or situation. I know, that is not easy. The first time you do it it will feel fake, Do it anyway. Be honest with God. You start with, "Lord I don't really want to forgive this offense, but in your word you say that if I want to be forgiven, I have to be willing to forgive..."

As you do this you will find that it will become easier. You will find yourself healing. You don't feel that lump in your throat when you think about it. You don't want to punch the person that hurt you in the face when you see them. You can talk about it without crying. All of these things lead us to the next part of forgiveness.

2. Acknowledge your true feelings about the situation.

Some people want to rush through this and will say they forgive without dealing with the underlying issues. That is a huge mistake. Because if you don't deal with those underlying negative feelings they will tear you apart and it will come out in other ways, either towards that person or someone else.

It's very important that we deal with our negative emotions. We don't necessarily need to address them with the other person, unless you feel it's necessary. The important thing is acknowledging those feelings and emotions to ourselves. When you say them or write them out, then you are able to dispute them and change the narrative. You can't fight what you can't see. Denying your true feelings will robe you of the opportunity to dispute them. Once you are able to dispute them, you will be able to move on.

You can ask God to help you by saying something like, "Lord I am so angry, jealous, etc.. I don't want to feel this way. please help me..." Sometimes this prayer will take a little longer because sometimes we aren't ready to let go of those feelings. But I can't emphasize enough how these feelings are robbing you of joy. Many times the other person doesn't even know we're hurting. Sometimes we have to learn to accept apologies we never receive.

3. Forgetting

As we mentioned before, forgetting is not a mind thing, it's a heart thing. You will feel freedom when you finally let go.

Simple right? It really is simple, but it's definitely not easy. Nothing worth having rarely is.

What are your thoughts? We'd love to hear from you, leave us a question or comment below. You can also join a conversation in the forums or join our Facebook group The Healing Place Community.